I stepped into the shower as quickly as the water was warming. Hair wet, soap on my face, back in the water. Check, done.
Gasp for air.
Breathe, you idiot. You're not racing the shower sprint here. Notice, the water feels good on your skin. Your face feels renewed. Breathe.
It kicks in again. Soap slides over every inch, readying for new dirt on a new day. Scrub, wash, go.
Gasp again.
Breathe. Breathe. Loosen the grip. Your pelvis could crush a walnut. Breathe into it. Relax.
The undoing is real work. Being is not for the faint of heart. The fight, flight, performance, mask invades every part of your body and nervous system. When your body is hard-wired to only GSD for those that are pleased by the GSDing, you start to become only the GSDer. And the mindfuckery of it all is that in doing so, your ability to GSD slowly diminishes because there is no foundation left to fall back on, to rest, to recharge.
And the work is mindfulness, sure (don't stop reading with that eye-roll). Mindfulness in actually being able to pay attention to the little signals... the shoulders to your ears, the pelvis up in your stomach, the heartbeat so loud the neighbors start calling. Each of these signals points you to where you've been holding the fear of expectations not being met, including your own, and the angst that if you don't show up just right, you'll never get to show up again at all.
Being is work. It's the right work. And the alternative is showing up more and more as the quiet killer... I know.
More to come...
Love, J